I spend about 90% of my time convinced I will beat this and be cured - actually if I am being honest, I kind of spend that 90% of my time thinking I already beat this and am cured.
But there is always that tiny bit of doubt - that little bit of fear - if I am not going to be cured or (God forbid) worse.
I do my best to focus on the positives in life - always have and most people who have been with my on this journey either friends, nurses, doctors or radiation techs all comment on my smiling ways and how much I laugh about this process. The loss of the breast, the ultimate decision not to divorce my husband in a few years, the baldness - it has all been something for me to make jokes about to make people laugh even down to the guess what I got for my 40th birthday? (Punchline - cancer!)
I never liked to read the news before because all the tidbits of death and destruction made me anxious but now it has the opposite effect - it forces me to understand that life really is unpredictable and if I spend too much of my time panicking about cancer ending my life then my life is already over.
So I allot just a few minutes every couple of days to think about the "what if..." worst case scenarios but I try to counteract that immediately with my faith, my belief in my doctors and my general all around wonderful family history of health and my own, too - despite this breast cancer issue I have always been healthy as a horse and an early to bed early to rise type of person.
But now I want more than that. I don't want to miss out on things that I used to cower away from either due to anxious thoughts or other silliness - I want to be a real friend again and do social things, I want to stay up late and not always be so dang responsible all the time. I have been responsible forever - always the first one home from the bars or the designated drivers and before that helping care for my brothers and managing my parents divorce etc etc.
Today was an off day, though. I read about Joe Biden's work for cancer and the article mentioned how cancer is so tricky and hides and attacks and all that jazz and it made me feel defeated. I started to think if this is all known about this disease will my body be smart enough to cure itself with the doctors cures and all the other things I will also do once radiation is over?
And then I remembered, this is no way to think. I have to just enjoy my life and forget all about the disease. My oncologist told me at one of my last visits to do just that. She said, "Once your chemo and radiation is over, just forget about this and continue that way unless I tell you otherwise." And I am taking that to heart.
That is what I will do in addition to some other tweaks and changes I am making to diet and exercise once I am totally done with treatments. I have 9 radiations left so that time is coming soon.
What do you do to keep the bad thoughts at bay? Any ideas on diet and exercise to keep the cancer away?
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