There are so many things I have had to let go - past hurts, past grudges - things I would normally be able to hold onto for decades are now, all gone. I am transparent or as transparent as I can be by sharing my story and being as authentic as I can in life, love and all matters in between.
Sometimes, though, I have a flashback to when I was going through chemotherapy and it hits me hard in the gut how people can be so cruel, so small minded and so dumb regarding the body's potential to turn on you and how it can happen to anyone, at any time.
I hate to hold stock in karma and the truth is that I wish bad on no one - I do not have time for that. I have made choices and conscious decisions around letting go and probably not pursuing things that if I did pursue might make my finances less grim.
So turn the other cheek is what I did and continue to do but sometimes, I have a flashback or a nightmare and it hits me that there is evil in everyone - that some people exist to be the villain in their own mind and you know what, I pity them. More importantly, I hope that karma skips them - let them continue to live in ignorance and enjoy their healthy bodies, their two boobs or two balls or whatever and let them know that I pray for them - I pray for them to never experience what I did and that though I am broken and battled, I will always be kind, which is more than I can say for them.
It is true I am more buoyant even with one boob. I spend a lot of time trying to re-condition my brain and my I guess reptilian ways. I used to be the person who would hold a grudge, replay the day and who said what when and what I should have said would keep me up at night.
Now, I am actively trying each and every damn day to just continue to rise above. To not fall for the pettiness, the silliness, the stupidity when I can just enjoy my life every damn day - NO MATTER WHAT.
This is a big thing, this "no matter what". It means when another mom says something I consider 'unkind' to my kid, I have to just let it go. It means when someone is not as nice to me as I think I am to them, I have to just let it go. It means that when family members are acting a fool (collectively), I have to just let it go.
It is harder to do than I am making it sound. It can hurt when someone you think is in your "crew" shows that they are not. It can be hard when a relationship dynamic changes from being girlfriends to being just like "hey" and man when I was younger these are the things that made me crazy.
I know now that not everyone has to like me. I know now that I don't have to like everyone. I also know that I am not here for big vendettas and clearing the air because I want to live above the air. I am in my space, my world where last year the ability to do what I did this weekend (and every weekend since chemotherapy ended just over 7 months ago) seemed like a miracle, a dream, something I would never be able to do again. But yet, I am doing it.
I am kicking ass and taking names in terms of my life, my health and how I want my world to be. I am job hunting, I am focused on being the good for those who are good for me. I am focused on my kids and family but I am totally now down to taking care of ME first and getting away, doing things with the girls, my girls.
As I posted on Instagram (see below), I lived through what remains in most people's bad dreams. I am a monster high doll with scars and things where my breast used to be. I am here to live and enjoy, to work and do what I can with the time I have left as we ALL have only so much time left because no one has lived forever in this world. I am prayful and fun, focused and relaxed. I am me, I am proud and I am the 1 in 8.
This is what I do in the time between...
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